I never bother him about his vices. I just let it slide, because I know how easily stressed out he can get. But somehow me wanting to enjoy my 2 days off with a new video game I had been excitedly waiting for is somehow worse than recreational drug use and him destroying his liver with constant alcoholic consumption! Please tell me how those two things are related?
Today is definitely one of those days where I contemplate the meaning of life. I wonder why? Why the fuck does any of it matter we’re all going to die one day so what’s the point of prolonging the inevitable. Death comes for us all young and old, feeble and strong, the just and unjust. Today I’m down in my own personal hell and don’t think I’ll be climbing back out any time soon.
If I keep busy then I don’t have time to worry. I’d I don’t have time to worry then I won’t break down into tears.
But what happens when all I can hear ate the screams in my head.
The pains of my body do not compare to the devastation of my psyche.
Sometimes I don’t know if maybe I just don’t care anymore, or if the setbacks in my life have finally conquered, or if I have just given up.
I try not to be depressed, very hard, and I typically succeed. Its in those few rare moments when everything is quiet that it all bears down on me and I start to cry. Let alone the failure that my academic and professional life is, my personal life has given me a gigantic weight to carry around and there are some days when I just don’t know how to deal with it.
Escapism is my major solace, but sometimes I just want for more and I don’t know which direction to push towards. Who am I supposed to be now, what am I supposed to do now? How do I manage to get through another day?
I listen to you when you rant about your day. I only interrupt if I don’t know what you’re talking about so that I can actually understand what you’re talking about. I try to talk to you about it. I genuinely care, and if I don’t, I try to care because it’s important to you.
But I have a bad day, and you ask me how it is. I should have never opened my mouth. I should have just not said anything about it. Just forgotten all about it and not came to you like you come to me for support.
The balance of good days and bad days, seem to list further to the bad side and as much as I push against it, it doesn’t seem to budge. Why are you so mercurial, why can’t we have more good days and less bad days.
Its so hard because I care so much… and I can’t change that.
Really wish I could get to my xbox right now, but oh well. Seems like nother can ever go the way I want it to.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I need to punch something, physically, with my blood and bone fists. So hard that I bleed. I think that would make me feel better.